Learning How to Smile
by Elizabeth Wilde
Summary: Rogue and Scott form a bond
1. Wonderful

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Wonderful  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who wants it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the people or the amazing song "Wonderful" by the amazing band Everclear. Bummer. Don't sue me, huh?  
'Ship: none  
Classification: general, slight angst  
Summary: Rogue drives to the grocery store with Scott and learns a little bit more about him.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com if you value my insanity  
Notes:  
  
Rogue watched the scenery passing by out the window, her forehead leaning against the cool glass. It was unusually chilly for April, but the change was pleasant in a way. Everything grew strong and green, but the air lacked the usual tepid warmth of spring. //Why did I agree to go with Scott to get groceries?//  
  
Her relationship with the leader of the X-Men remained, after almost a year, a distant one. She did well in his class, smiled and greeted him politely when they met in the hall, but they never talked the way she talked with Jean or Ororo. They were more like friends than teachers. Scott remained aloof from such camaraderie, and the lingering bit of Logan in her head insured that Rogue made no special effort to breach the gap.  
  
For some unknown reason, when Scott walked into the living room that morning and asked the bleary-eyed, TV-watching group consisting of Rogue, Bobby, John, and Jubilee if anyone wanted to accompany him to the store, Rogue had raised a hand. "Sure thing, boss-man."  
  
Now they rolled toward the store-a good twenty mile drive-in almost complete silence, save for the study buzz of the radio. So far, the DJ had played an impressive array of ads and teaser music clips but no songs. Finally the opening strains of a song began to pour from the speakers and Scott reached mutely over to jack up the volume, much to Rogue's surprise. //Doesn't seem like the loud music type...// Shock turned to near dismay when she heard Scott begin to sing softly, almost sadly, along with the lyrics in a voice more often on key than not.   
  
"I close my eyes when I get too sad  
I think thoughts that I know are bad  
Close my eyes and I count to ten  
Hope it's over when I open them"  
  
The words struck Rogue as oddly fitting, and she found herself wondering how much Scott could relate to what the song said. His eyes remained-as far as she was able to tell-fixed on the road before them as he sang. She knew the song well, had the CD in almost constant play in the room she shared with Jubilee and Kitty.   
  
"I want the things that I had before  
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door  
I wish I could count to ten  
Make everything be wonderful again   
  
Hope my mom and I hope my dad  
Will figure out why they get so mad  
Hear them scream, I hear them fight  
They say bad words that make me wanna cry"  
  
Rogue joined in the singing, her own twangy alto voice providing odd accompaniment to the music and Scott's soft tenor. Tears threatened as she thought of her own parents' fights in the weeks after she put David in a coma. She heard her father's angry shouts in her mind the way they had echoed down the hall to her room, felt a ghost of her mother coming in afterward, trying to speak words of comfort. "It's alright, sweetie. We'll figure something out."   
  
"Close my eyes when I go to bed  
And I dream of angels who make me smile  
I feel better when I hear them say  
Everything will be wonderful someday   
  
Promises mean everything when you're little  
And the world's so big  
I just don't understand how  
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes  
Tell me everything is wonderful now   
  
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now"  
  
Things at home proved too hard, too much to handle. Rogue decided it would be easier to strike out on her own and find a way of hiding in the masses. She remembered her half-formed plan of running away to Alaska just like she had told David she would. Somehow it seemed things there would have to be different than the way they stood in Mississippi.   
  
"I go to school and I run and play  
I tell the kids that it's all okay  
I like to laugh so my friends won't know  
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home   
  
Go to my room and I close my eyes  
I make believe that I have a new life  
I don't believe you when you say  
Everything will be wonderful someday   
  
Promises mean everything when you're little  
And the world is so big  
I just don't understand how  
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes  
When you tell me everything is wonderful now   
  
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now"  
  
A few of the tears escaped, sliding down Rogue's cheeks. Much as it hurt thinking of home and family, sometimes it was hard not to. //The mansion's home now. The people there are more your family than your parents, girl. They don't hate you because you're different.// She rubbed hands suddenly cold despite the gloves covering them over the backs of her arms and sang a bit more quietly.   
  
"I don't wanna hear you say  
That I will understand someday  
No, no, no, no  
I don't wanna hear you say  
You both have grown in a different way  
No, no, no, no  
I don't wanna meet your friends  
And I don't wanna start over again  
I just wanna my life to be the same  
Just like it used to be  
Some days I hate everything  
I hate everything  
Everyone and everything  
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now   
  
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now"  
  
As her focus returned to the car and the present, she found herself startled by the far-away bitterness and not-so-distant sadness in Scott's voice. The chords of the song faded into nothing, then another song jumped to life. Scott turned the volume down without looking at the stereo and Rogue watched as a tear traveled down his cheek.   
  
Suddenly he did not seem as far away, as remote as before. On the contrary, she was almost certain she finally understood him, at least a little. //Now I know why I came.// Rogue smiled and leaned her head against the glass again, listening to the buzz of the radio and the vague roar of the tires.  



	2. Distance

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Distance  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who wants it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own Scott and Jean or the song "Thrift Store Chair" by Everclear. God I wish I owned Scott...  
'Ship: semi-Scott/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott and Jean have a fight that proves to be the final straw.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: This is a semi-response to the recently-issued S/J challenge. It's only a semi-response because I started writing this months before the challenge was issued ;) The graphic for this story is at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/distance.html  
  
~Baby, go to bed  
And put out the light.  
We both know  
If we talk anymore  
We are going to end up  
In a great big fight.  
  
I think we're headed for a big fall  
I think we're headed for a bad time~  
  
"Why won't you ever talk to me?"  
  
"I talk to you all the time."  
  
"God, you can't even yell at me, can you?"  
  
"Why would I yell at you?"  
  
"So that I'll know you at least fucking feel something!" The words, a loud, harsh approximation of a whisper, echoed through the small room. Jean watched for any hint of a reaction in her fiancé only to find his face as emotionless as before. Her shoulders sagged as she sat down on the edge of the bed.   
  
"Let's try to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow when we're both thinking more clearly."  
  
Jean's mouth opened and then she shook her head. "Fine."  
  
They lay side-by-side, each with eyes closed more to avoid looking at each other than with any intention of sleeping.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~You can have your way again  
Yeah, you believe  
What you want to believe.  
  
You can walk all over me   
Tomorrow  
  
But tonight   
Can't we both   
Just pretend to sleep?~  
  
She wants me to talk. I would if I thought it would help, if I knew whatever magic words she wants to hear. I've tried again and again, tried reminding her how much I love her, tried to find the spark we used to have. Somehow it's getting lost. //We're// getting lost.   
  
I don't want to go back to being me, alone, without her. I don't like who I am when she isn't with me. So I give in. I always give in. Her words echo through my head, stabbing at whatever sanity I've managed to cling to. Part of me wants to jump out of bed and scream at her. "Goddammit, I love you more than I love anything! I don't want to ruin it, and that's why I never yell at you!"  
  
But I don't. Because even if she says it's what she wants, I find it hard to believe. I've tried to stay the same for her. I'm scared that if things change in me, that they'll change us. I'm terrified that I'll lose her the way I lose my brother and my parents, the way I seem to lose everyone close to me.  
  
Still, I know something's wrong. I don't even know if it's something I can fix. "So that I know you at least fucking feel something!" Am I really that cold? I know sometimes I leave her out when I get into "leader" mode, but I always thought I made up for it later. Is whatever's happening with us my fault? Me distancing myself without even knowing it?  
  
More importantly, can we work through it?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~...I lay in bed in the dark   
And all that I can see  
Is the distance that  
Grows between us  
You seem  
So far away from me~  
  
I'm not sure if he's asleep or not. I glance over at him from time to time, but his face is impassive, eyes shrouded by glasses even now. The glasses are more than just protection from his powers. They're a wall between us. They're his power, his duty, his control, things I admire in him and things that always hold me at arm's length.  
  
Sometimes, every now and then, I get to see behind the glasses, figuratively speaking. I know he loves me, I know he needs me. Those times are few and far between. It seems like it's getting harder every day to remain together, to fight whatever force is tearing us apart. I feel like part of me is slowly being cut out, away. I don't know how to stop it, and I'm not even sure I should try.  
  
I love Scott. I'm not saying I don't. I'm just not sure being together is helping either one of us at this point. We're trying so hard to be the person that the other wants us to be that neither one of us is really happy. We fight more, and usually about stupid things. We fight about things that don't matter and ignore this valley that's forming between us. We're stretching, reaching, trying to bridge it, and we either need to give up and move on or accept that we're going to fall in, self-destruct. Either way, it's going to hurt.  
  
Scott won't end it. I know that. He's too busy worrying about making me happy to realize we're miserable. If anyone is going to try to make this clean, to get it out in the open and over with, it'll have to be me. I'm terrified. It hurts to think of losing him, but even though we're not a foot away from each other, even though I could reach out and touch him right now, we're not together. Not the way we used to be. Not the way we should be.  
  
"Scott?"  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"Tomorrow I'm... I'm going to see about getting my old room back."  
  
The silence stretches out, amplifies, becomes louder than any scream could be. "Why?"  
  
"You know why."  
  
More silence, almost unbearable this time, some part of me hoping he'll beg me to stay, that he'll find whatever is missing between us in a sentence that will fix it all. "I'm going to sleep. Good night."  
  
"Good night." There's nothing else to say.  
  
~...We need to slow down for awhile.~  



	3. Selfless, Cold, and Composed

Author: Elizabeth Wilde   
Title: Selfless, Cold and Composed   
Series: Learning How to Smile #3   
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who wants it and asks, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj [my site]   
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "Selfless, Cold and Composed" by Ben Folds Five, who have unfortunately broken up.   
'Ship: none   
Classification: angst   
Summary: Jean and Scott complete the separation process.   
Rating: PG-13   
Spoilers: none   
Feedback: to wilde_Moon@yahoo.com   
Notes: Entirely the song's fault. I had intended originally to use only Everclear songs in the series, actually... but plans are made to be changed, I suppose. You can see the HTMLd version with a pic at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/scc.html   
  
I said what you wanted to hear   
And what I wanted to say   
So I will take it back   
Are all the dishes intact?   
Let them be broken   
  
It's easy to be   
Easy and free   
When it doesn't mean anything   
You remain selfless, cold and composed   
  
...You don't owe me to be so   
Polite   
You've done no wrong   
You've done no wrong   
Get out of my sight   
  
It's easy to be   
Easy and free   
When it doesn't mean anything   
You remain   
Selfless, cold and composed   
  
Come on baby now throw me a right to the chin   
Don't just stare like   
You never cared   
I know you did   
You just smiled   
Like a bank teller   
Telling me blankly   
Have a nice life   
  
Come on baby and throw me a right to the chin   
Just one sign that could   
Show me that you give a shit   
But you just smile politely   
And I grow weaker and I   
Said what you wanted to hear   
And what I wanted to say   
So I will take it back   
  
It's easy to be   
Easy and free   
When it doesn't mean anything   
You can remain   
Selfless, cold and composed   
~ Ben Folds Five "Selfless, Cold and Composed"   
  
"Got the room?" Scott asked, his voice painfully even as he sat at the desk. He had heard Jean's entrance, of course, but he remained seated with his back turned to her. To someone who knew him, someone like Jean, the tension in his shoulders was obvious, his posture a bit too straight.   
  
Jean stepped into the room and hesitated, surprised to find herself so soon a stranger to the place she and Scott called home at the end of the night together for so long. Already it seemed cold and distant. "Of course." Xavier naturally expressed his concern before giving his full approval to her moving out, but he would never consider standing in the way of the personal lives of his students; moreover, he understood her words. The woman almost smiled at the remembrance of the words. "I'm afraid to say I actually saw this coming..." The near-smile turned into the internal equivalent of a sob and Jean moved deeper into the room.   
  
Rising suddenly enough to startle Jean, Scott turned, stood, and started toward her. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and she could see now that his hair was uncombed, his shirt slightly wrinkled. "Don't leave." A note of desperation missing before now seeped into the words like a cloying wine, momentarily dulling Jean's resolve.   
  
She opened her mouth to say she would stay, wouldn't ever leave, then closed it again and shook her head. "I need to. We both need it, Scott. We aren't... it isn't working anymore, and we both know it."   
  
"I don't-"   
  
"You do."   
  
The words, spoken quietly and without any trace of anger-or anything else for that matter-seemed a breaking point. Scott's jaw set and he took a step closer. "You wanted me to yell? To... to... fight with you? What about you? Jesus, Jean, you're throwing me away like the years we spent together didn't mean shit and you haven't even batted a fucking eyelash!"   
  
The redhead stood stock-still. Scott never cursed. Ever. "S-scott, I-"   
  
"You're sorry? You hope we can still be friends?" Scott's mouth twisted into a frightening mimicry of a smile. "I don't want to be friends. We were friends for... for a long time. Then we realized it could be more. And I'm not going back."   
  
"All or nothing?" Jean said calmly. Her mind reeled, and the only thing she could find to counter Scott's suddenly passionate words was reason, the calm he always displayed. "Isn't that a little-"   
  
"Childish. Absolutely. I love you, Jean, and... maybe I've done things wrong. Maybe I handled this whole thing... It doesn't matter! We're worth more than this. It was just a stupid fight! We can't throw-"   
  
"We aren't. Not because of 'a stupid fight', anyway," Jean clarified. She clasped her hands in front of her and then began twisting the engagement ring on her finger. "We've... we've been falling apart and... I think everyone... I think we didn't want to see it. You still don't."   
  
"Jean-"   
  
"This is what needs to happen, Scott." With a final twist, the ring slid off, and Jean held it out. "Take it."   
  
Scott's hand shook as he complied. Arguing didn't help. He had yelled and he had asked her to stay. He had told her what he thought. Still he found himself standing in the middle of their room-his room-and holding her engagement ring. It must have been hours later when Scott finally realized he hadn't moved yet, that he still stood in the room with the ring, Jean long since gone. 


End file.
